Month 59 – Resigned

It’s been an interesting month, that’s for sure.

The emotional roller coaster ride of learning that my PSA moved upward has come to an end for now. In fact, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it is what it is, and there’s little that I can do about it other than wait.

Have I resigned myself to the idea that the cancer is coming back? I don’t know. Perhaps. I certainly don’t want it to come back, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s within the realm of possibility in a way that it hadn’t been before the increase in PSA. If I’ve resigned myself to anything, it’s that I’ll have plenty of PSA tests going forward, along with the associated anxiety that comes with each.

I remember my surgeon telling me there’s an 80% chance that I’ll be cancer-free at 10 years, so that means that there’s a 20% chance that it will be back. For some reason, my gut instincts are telling me that I’ll be in that 20%. I don’t know why. Perhaps it goes back to my first solo trip abroad.

I was flying from the United States to Japan as a midshipman going on my summer training cruise, and I was flying on a military charter that landed at Yokota Air Force Base. On arrival, they told us that 20% of us had been selected at random to go through a thorough customs inspection. I was one of the 20%. They dumped my duffle bag’s entire contents onto a nice stainless steel table, went through everything, and told me to repack it in less than 5 minutes. Just my luck.

I know. A silly comparison. Still, it’s how my luck runs sometimes. December will be an indicator as to whether that rule will apply or not.


I’ve been battling an early season cold for about two weeks now, and it just doesn’t seem to want to let go. The stress incontinence was remarkably good during the first week, but when the cold moved into my chest the second week, I went back into pads for protection as I coughed and coughed.

Perhaps the stress of the PSA results weakened my system a tad, but most likely, it’s just that I work in a museum where lots and lots of people–especially kids–come through.  Oh well.

DJTPC

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