I’m tired.  That’s the best way to describe today.

I’m physically tired from not sleeping well last night, and I’m emotionally tired from this whole experience.

I did manage to throw a couple of loads into the laundry this afternoon and also pulled my truck into the garage after last night’s warmer temperatures and rain got rid of 95% of the snow left in the bed.  I wanted it back in the garage before the next snowfall–a trace forecasted for tonight and 3+ inches for Thursday.

Based on just moving the truck 30 feet, I can tell that I’m not quite ready to go on one of my infamous road trips–or even a trip to Kroger yet.  Of course, with all the food that friends and neighbors have brought over in the last few days, I don’t think I’ll need to go to Kroger until March.  Seriously.  If I do, it will be to buy more freezer containers to store all of this good stuff.  Thanks everyone! 

Just for grins and giggles, I hopped onto my health insurance company’s website to see all the claims processed for this little journey through cancer.  So far, the total is right around $70,000, and I didn’t see a claim from the surgeon yet.  (The hospital bill alone was at $53K.)

Speaking of the surgeon, I return on Thursday, 10 February to have my first post-surgery PSA blood test.  Those results can be turned around pretty quickly, so I expect that I might have them as early as the next day (Friday) or the following Monday.

A better day today. Still not perfect, but better.

Friday and Saturday nights, the first two nights without the catheter, I slept in the full Depends diapers not knowing what may happen. Last night, I took a chance and just used the guard in my underwear, and things were just fine.

I can tell that I can stand a little more quickly and a little more confidently each time I try. Most of the time, I can do it without any leakage which is a good thing. In fact, I felt confident enough this afternoon to go for a little walk up and down my cul-de-sac (two laps). Nothing happened.

I do want to become more and more active as time goes on. I actually think that it will help train my bladder to expect certain kinds of movements (steps, walking, standing, sitting, getting into/out of a vehicle, etc.) and it will learn to compensate for each over time and with repetition.

If it weren’t for these small signs of progress, I would be quite depressed right now.

While getting the catheter removed was a great step forward physically, I don’t think I was expecting the psychological kick in the pants that came with the new adventure of incontinence.

Even with the catheter for ten days, I felt as though I was making forward progress with my recovery each day. Now, it feels as though I’ve been pushed back on my recovery at least a week, and that I’m almost starting from scratch. I know that’s not the case, but emotionally, it’s been an unexpected setback.

I know that things will continue to improve with each day, and as long as they do, I should get back on emotional track.

A friend from work stopped by for lunch today, and another friend will be bringing dinner by for me this evening.

I’ve yet to try to drive, and I don’t think that I’ll give it a try until the middle or end of this week. We’ll see how confident I feel about being away from home for any extended period of time (and an hour or so would be an extended period of time for me right now).

What a strange day.

It started with several runs to the bathroom (let’s just say that the Percocet that I stopped taking isn’t constipating me any longer and leave it at that), and then a feeling of being chilled.  No fever to cause the chills.  In fact, my temperature was my typical below normal–97.1° F.

By midday, I was up and about around the house feeling better sitting up for a while, and then laying down for a while.  The pain from the incision points is truly minimal at this point.  Again, if I sit funny or twist in a funny direction, they’ll remind me that they’re there, but on the whole, it’s pretty much behind me.

As far as the incontinence goes, it seems to be getting better.  When I stand (which is when I had experienced the majority of my problems yesterday), things were better today.  Not perfect, but better.  Fewer and smaller squirts.  I really try to control my bladder sphincter through my Kegel exercises when standing.

I probably look funny, because I’ll stand in a somewhat bent position, tightening my pelvic floor muscles, and most likely have a goofy look on my face as I stand there, waiting to be sure that nothing will happen.  The first three or four steps are also taken quite gingerly.

I really had planned on getting outside and taking a walk down to the end of the cul-de-sac today, but that wasn’t in the cards.  Maybe tomorrow, weather permitting.

Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Last night–the first without the catheter–was a dry night. That’s good. Although I have to admit that I got up to pee about 4 times last night to help make sure that I didn’t have an accident in bed.

It was great to be able to roll around in bed as I slept, and not have a certain key part of my anatomy tied off to the nightstand!

Today has been an exploration into what happens without the catheter in place. I find myself moving much more slowly and gingerly than when I was catheterized, not knowing what’s going to happen with each step, each seat taken, or each time I stand up. Sometimes things are just fine; sometimes there’s a little squirt into my guard. I certainly don’t wish for the catheter back, but this definitely seems to be slowing my forward progress.

Be patient.

On a positive note, it’s not as though I have no control over my bladder whatsoever. I do. I can sense when it’s getting full and when I have to empty it (although, I will have to admit that that sensation isn’t quite as pronounced as it was before the surgery). The most frequent time that I have a little squirt is when I stand up from a seated position.

Finally, having the catheter posed its own set of personal hygiene challenges; having minor incontinence poses a different set of challenges. I do feel pretty confident, however, that I can get by with using just the guards in my regular underwear instead of having to wear the full-blown diapers based on what’s happened in the last 24 hours. That will make things simpler.

As predicted, now that there’s no tumor pressing against my urethra, my urine flow is much stronger–as if I were 16 again.

Now that the catheter is out, I can resume my Kegel exercises, and I’ve been doing them several times during the day.

I really am doing my best not to get discouraged by the incontinence, recognizing that I’m only a little more than 24 hours into this next chapter. I know it will get better. I just have to keep doing my exercises and be patient. Again, some guys regain control in weeks; others in months or even a year.

I’ve removed the Steri-strips from all of my incisions and it feels great to be free of any adhesive tape stuck to my belly. I’ve also not had a Percocet since last night. There’s some occasional pain depending on how I sit, but it’s tolerable.

A couple of neighbors popped in for a visit this morning, bringing some homemade goodies for me to munch on as I continue my recovery. Thanks!

The catheter is gone!!  Hallelujah!!

So the majority of this post will be pretty descriptive…  Sorry.

Unfortunately, last night was not a good night for sleep for me.  I don’t know if it was the anticipation of getting rid of the catheter or something else that kept me up, but I don’t think I fell asleep until 2 AM.

I was out of the shower by about 8:30 AM and getting ready for the 40 minute drive to the office by changing from my overnight urine collection bad to my leg bag.  That never was a fun process–always the risk for a big mess if I let go of the wrong hose at the wrong time.

A friend drove me to the doctor’s office and we arrived around 11:30 for my 12:00 pm appointment.  I was in the examination room within ten minutes of arrival.  The nurse had me lie down on the table and disconnected the drainage bag from my leg before draining the saline solution from the Foley catheter that inflated the little balloon in my bladder that held the catheter in place.

She then told me to take a deep breath and exhale.  When I exhaled, she would pull the catheter out.  Fun.  I inhaled; exhaled; and she pulled.  “Hello!!”  Yowza and it was out.  And what a good feeling!

The doctor came in and talked with me on how my recovery was doing, examined my incision points, and said that everything was looking good.  He told me to immediately call if I wasn’t urinating, as that would indicate a serious blockage that would have to be taken care of.  He said that I should come back in four weeks for the first post-surgery PSA.

Before leaving, I was given an antibiotic to take today and tomorrow to prevent any urinary tract infection after the catheter came out, and a pack of Cialis.  Taking the Cialis now will help with the redevelopment of sexual function later.

Once the doctor was through I put on my first pair of Depends (funky!) and got dressed.  We were out of the office by noon and headed home.

I had no idea what to expect.  Would I fill my Depends during the trip back?  Would there be any leakage at all?  Not a clue.  (I did bring a towel to put on the passenger’s seat in my friend’s car just in case I sprung a leak.)

The good news: Nothing happened on the way home.  Nadda.

However, when I went to get out of the car, I could feel a small squirt of urine hit the Depends–stress incontinence. 

It’s nearly four hours later and I’ve peed a couple of times and had one other episode of stress incontinence (very small amount of urine).  I suspect that I’ll be able to use the protective pads rather than the full diapers.  The exception might be at night.  I’ll probably try a full Depends for tonight and see what happens.

Before pulling out the catheter, I told the nurse that I was having a slight burning/tingling feeling at the end of my penis, and that when I strain to have a bowel movement, a little urine leaks out outside the catheter.  She said those were both very good signs that my bladder is ready to go back to doing its thing on its own.

So it’s great to be rid of the catheter; I just need to adapt to the latest leg of this journey now.  They reminded me to continue with my Kegel exercises and to be patient as I regained control over my plumbing.  I’ll do my best.

It was a pretty quiet morning here.  The systems continue to function as intended and the pain continues to diminish, so I’m beginning to spend more time sitting upright.  Still, there are limits before my belly says “enough.”

A coworker stopped in for a nice lunchtime visit.  Afterwards, I found myself a bit tired, so I crawled into bed and the next thing I know, it was 3:30.  I guess I needed the sleep.

I’m soooo looking forward to the catheter removal tomorrow, if for no other reason than because I’ll be able to sleep on my sides again without fear of tugging on it in the middle of the night.  Of course, the whole freedom thing ranks right up there as another reason to anticipate its removal.

After the nap, I called a couple of friends to update them on my status and progress.

Aside from that, there’s really not much else to report.

My sister returned to Chicago this morning, which means that I’m flying solo for the time being. That’s fine. I may not be as efficient doing things around the house as when I’m 100%, but I can do most things okay. I can tell that I’m not ready to lift or drive yet–just enough pain in the incision points to say “Hey, Dummy! Knock it off!”

Before she left this morning, my sister threw a couple of loads in the laundry and hit the grocery store one last time. I should be good into early next week.

A friend from work stopped by this afternoon for the first time, and we got caught up on my story and what’s been happening while I’ve been away.

A group that I work with sent me a get well card that included 20 things to do while recuperating. I just may start working on that list to entertain myself.

GRAPHIC BIOLOGY AHEAD:

My systems seem to be getting back to their normal selves again (nearly clear urine, regular BMs); my incision points are healing without infection (although one has a nice bruise around it); the pain is steadily decreasing; and I’m more than ready for the catheter to come out.

I did call the nurse at the surgeon’s office this morning to confirm what I needed to do in preparation for the catheter removal, as well as what I needed to bring for after it was removed (i.e., Depends).

Interestingly, she said that most guys can leave after having the catheter removed with just a pad in place to catch any leakage. Given that I have an hour ride back from the office, I think I may be a bit more cautious and go the full Depends route till I figure out what’s going to happen and how much bladder control I’ll have in those first hours/days.

One other thing that I was forewarned about before the surgery was the fact that blood will leak out the urethra outside the catheter tube when I strain to pass gas or have a bowel movement. I wasn’t sure if that would be a controlling factor as to whether the catheter can come out or not, and apparently it’s not. (The volume of blood is down from what it was a few days ago, but it’s still there.)

So one chapter on this story is coming to a close (the surgery) and the next is about to start (life after surgery). Let’s hope it’s well-written with a happy outcome. Being significantly incontinent could really make for a lessened quality of life.

Funny observation: The first couple of nights after getting out of the hospital, I wanted to follow my routine of going to the bathroom to empty my bladder before going to bed. “Oh. That’s right. I don’t have to. It will empty automatically.” I guess there is one advantage to being catheterized after all. Otherwise, it’s a pain in the butt (metaphorically).

Perhaps I should suspend the Percocet for a day and take this two liter drainage bag for a spin at the local watering hole and forget about “beer rental.” Nah.

Today I continued to share the good news with others that I didn’t get to yesterday. (Good thing I doubled the minutes on my cell phone plan last month!) I also just paced around the living room to get my exercise and had another visitor pop over at lunch time.

I think all the excitement of the last 48 hours caught up with me because I landed back in bed by mid-afternoon for a nice little nap. I probably need to ease up a little because I can feel a little more pain at a couple of the incision points today. Don’t want to overdo it and blow a gasket or something like that. Still, the pain is relatively low (2-4 out of 10) and I don’t want to be a complete wuss about it either. When I’m sitting, it’s the worst. I’ll find the right balance.

I do feel comfortable enough to be on my own, so my sister will be heading back to her family and job in Chicago tomorrow, weather permitting. Before she leaves, she’ll do a couple of loads of laundry and make one more run to the grocery store to get me stocked up enough to last me into early next week.

With the catheter coming out on Friday, I’ll be one step closer to being able to drive on my own. It all depends on my pain level and my ability to stomp on the brakes if necessary. I suspect that by the middle to end of next week, I should be mobile again. In the interim, I may need an assist to run to the store for me. I’ll fire up my coordination spreadsheets and put the call out if and when its needed.

I had a little surprise after getting out of the shower this morning. I’m four pounds HEAVIER than when I went into the hospital!! I hope my scale is acting up or it’s all the extra hardware that I’m sporting around, because if it’s not, that’s truly depressing.

Coming out of this, I really want to turn over a new dietary leaf, eating healthful foods that I can control the contents and quantity of. My doctor says that colon cancer is very closely related to prostate cancer, and if you have to have the cancer life experience, I only want to deal with it once.

So that’s it for today. Time to fix dinner. (Irony, eh?)

I just spoke with the surgeon.  The pathology report showed that the cancer was confined to the prostate and had not spread.  The lymph nodes were clean, too.

I have to go back in 4 weeks for a follow-up and my first post-surgery PSA test.  If the PSA reading is zero, that’s more confirmation that the cancer did not spread.  However, if it’s still elevated, there may be cancer still in the body someplace that the pathology didn’t see.  So a little more waiting, but today’s report was a huge step in the right direction.

Time to wash down a Percocet with a celebratory beer!  (Not!)

Last night was perhaps the best night of sleep that I had since this journey began on Day 1.  It was heavenly.  I only hope that I have more and more like it going forward.

The other thing that was bordering on heavenly–and I apologize for being graphic–was having my first real post-surgery bowel movement.  It appears that all systems are functioning as they should once again.