Day 19 – Reality Check

Monday. Back to reality.

And I’m not talking the reality of being at work after being off for four days. I’m talking the anxious thoughts of cancer came flooding back this morning for some reason. Most centered around this whole ordeal of selecting the guy who’s going to poke holes in my pelvic region, root around for the bad ol’ prostate, snip it out of me, and sew everything back together, hopefully, with no leaks or no spare parts left over. “Hmmm… Where does this go??”

I feel like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade: “Choose wisely.” Pick the right chalice, and I live happily ever after; pick the wrong one, and I’m condemned to a hell of peeing in my diapers and never getting a woody again. (Sorry, at some point the conversation had to go down that path—it’s part of my reality.)

A bit dramatic? Perhaps. But that’s the way my mind is operating at the moment.

I know that I need to do this, and I know the chances of the hellish outcome are quite small, and most important, I know that having the surgery will give me the best chance of long term survival, so all of this should be a no-brainer.

I guess part of this anxiety may be realizing that selecting a surgeon and scheduling a surgery date takes this whole adventure one step closer to the very real. But, as a coworker pointed out at lunch today, it also takes me one step closer to being cancer-free. I have to keep that perspective in mind and let it be the driving force of my thoughts.

She understands, as she’s a cancer survivor herself.

It was really helpful to talk with her today and she helped bring me back to thinking more positively and more logically about the entire thing.

Even amidst all my angst this morning, I did manage to call the second surgeon in Indianapolis and was able to schedule an appointment to see him (Monday, 13 December). Now, I just need to get all of my records sent up to him before then. Somehow, I have a feeling that that won’t be the easiest of tasks.

So the forecast for the next two weeks includes a wintry mix of distraction, emotion, and anticipation. What’s next:

Monday, 6 December – Colonoscopy
Thursday, 9 December – Cincinnati Surgeon Appointment
Monday, 13 December – Indianapolis Surgeon Appointment
Tuesday, 14 December – Toss executive decision making aid (Heads = Cincinnati; Tails = Indianapolis)

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